September 3, 2008

Hump Day Humor: Cowboys and Morticians

Hosted by Mercedes Rocks

I missed last weeks Hump Day Humor, which was Cowboys.
So, I am using it in this weeks HDH along with this week's theme - Morticians!

A Cowboy's Guide to Life
* Never squat with yer spurs on.
* There are two theories to arguin' with a woman; neither one works.
* Don't worry about bitin' off more than you can chew, your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think.
* If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
* After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring.
* He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him.
* The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
* If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
* Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco.
* It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
* Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.
* Never follow good whiskey with water, unless you're out of good whiskey.
* Good judgment comes from experience; experience comes from bad judgment.
* Always drink upstream from the herd.
* Never drop your gun to hug a grizzly.
* If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
* When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be surprised if they learn their lesson.
* When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.
* Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in.
* Always take a good look at what you're about to eat. It's not so important to know what it is, but it's critical to know what it was.
* The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.
* Never miss a good chance to shut up.

Bubba died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly and the morgue needed someone to identify the body. So his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer, were sent for.

Daryl went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Daryl said, "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over." So the mortician rolled him over and Daryl looked and said, "Nope, ain't Bubba." The mortician thought that was rather strange.

Then he brought Gomer in to identify the body. Gomer took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over." The mortician rolled him over and Gomer looked down and said, "No, it ain't Bubba."

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?" Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes."

"What? He had two assholes?" said the mortician.

"Yup, everyone in town knew he had two assholes. Every time we went to town, folks would say, "Here comes Bubba with them two assholes."


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