Friday, March 10, 2017

In Memory: March 16, 2016; 2:40AM

On March 10, 2016 at 2:40AM, my son...my handsome, loving, kind, caring and wonderful son, passed away. Acute Myeloid Leukemia ripped him from this world at the age of 23.  
I honestly do not know how I have made it through to now.  I really did think Colt would beat cancer and that he would be here for many more years.  But no, cancer decided it wanted to win...and it won in 31 days.   Colt died only 31 days after being diagnosed.  31 DAYS!  All the medical technology and medicine and treatments could not save him. I feel the doctors gave us false hope and that makes me angry. I know that leukemia would kill you someday but not 31 days after being diagnosed.

I miss Colt so much. 
The pain of losing him is so deeper than anything I have ever felt. There are no words to even begin to describe how I feel.  A large piece of my heart and soul died in Dallas when Colt passed. I am so very sorry I did not get there in time to say good bye...regret and guilt eat me alive some days.

Every day life is hard without Colt.  I miss his wonderful smile and his laugh. I miss hearing him say "Hi Mama".  I miss talking to him and I miss hearing his voice. I miss hearing "I love Mama!".  I miss the "good morning", "good night" and "I miss you Mama", text.  Hell I miss everything about my precious son.
 
 Most days, I feel like a robot, just going through the motions of each day.  
I do my best stay busy to keep the overwhelming emotions from taking me over. 
My heart and soul ache to the core.
Colt loved being a solider and I am so very proud of him.
Colt's ashes are at home with me.  
Someday soon, I will make sure his ashes are placed in a place fit for a soldier.
  
If tears could build a stairway, and memories a lane,
I'd walk right up to Heaven and bring you home again.
No farewell words were spoken, no time to say goodbye
you were gone before I knew it, and only God knows why.
My heart still aches in sadness and secret tears still flow,
what it meant to lose you, no one will ever know.
~Author Unknown

5 comments:

  1. Again, I'm so sorry for your loss. You are right, cancer indeed does suck. I have no words to say that would bring you any comfort, but did want you to know someone stopped by. Its been a hard year for you and I don't foresee the next few years getting any better. He was a fine young man that was loved greatly by his mother, as he loved you greatly.

    betty

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  2. When I started to comment it asked for a profile or a name, I started to type out Christina, but that wasn't what Colt called me...it was always Aunt Chrissy, Auntie Chrissy, or Momma Chrissy. (Depending on his mood or what he was after...lol) when our kids were young, they were raised pretty much as siblings instead of cousins. I think that worked well for all of them and for us adults as well. It drew us in very close as a family. As years went by, Kids got older, life happened, and we lived further apart. But I don't think it drove us apart. We would go very long times without seeing each other but we all knew what we had instilled in all the kids. Family First. We each handled Colts passing in our own so different ways. I hurt so bad that Colt never had the chance to live his life, a longer life...that was taken from him when he was taken from us. So many emotions, no words seem to say what I think or how I feel. I agree with you Shannon, I am very angry.i try not to think about the anger, but it's always there. When I look at the boys, especially Brandon, I see so much of Colt. I remember how we could never separate them until they were pretty old. Shannon, we all love you so very much, you know you can call or come anytime for any reason. Talk, cry, scream...any thing. Our home has always and will always be your home. We want nothing but the best for you and Steve. Life has been very hard for all of us these past few years and we have had to say goodbye to so many, our sweet Baby Miranda, Penny, Barbie, Colt, John, then Russ. So many family members taken in the past two years. Colt is with all of them, in that we can find comfort, not understand, but at least some comfort.I love you sis.

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  3. hello shannon its dennis the vizsla dog hay i agree cancer sucks it is wot tuk my sister the beautiful trixie away too!!! i am sending yoo lots of vizsla kisses and tail wags for this diffikult time!!! ok bye

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